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Confessions of a Moody Crab

May 11, 2008
18:52
Questions.
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A few question has been nagging me since the past few weeks or so. I've tried google but it does not seem to have the reply/answers I'm looking for. So I decided to post the questions om my blog with hope that you, my insightful readers, will have the anwers I'm looking for. So here goes...

1) The sex scene is Monsters Ball between Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thorton is it real? I've seen the movie before but I just saw the the uncut/uncensored version, and all I can say is Woo Sah. So it is real..like did they f&%k for real?

2) Guys, why don't you shave your armpits? Why have you all insisted on traumatizing our poor sights with your god-awful hairy armpits? Have you no shame?

3) What is your opinion on ladies making the first move sexually?

4) Fuck buddies: Good news or bad idea?
May 05, 2008
15:29
Dear You...
» ‎ Read entry @ Confessions of a Moody Crab

...This is usually quite fun/stress relieving.

Write a letter (well, like a paragraph) to someone you know. Tell them anything you really want to but are too scared to or can't be bothered to speak to them face to face. Thank them, cheer them up, anything. But don't say their name, just start it. "Dear You..."

So here goes mine and feel free to do yours...
***********
1) Dear you,

You are hot and I guess you know that. You are the reason why my mother told me to keep away from guys...hot guys. I want to do so many things to you but I'm scared I will end up in psych ward. But if I ever get my chance, I will
a) Make you my sex slave. Tie you up, pour ice cream all over you Dominican body and lick it up
b) Drink Grand Marnier from you belly button, tease you, tempt you and make you beg
c) And then I will proceed to FUCK your brains out. By the time I done with you, you will forget how to speak!!

2) Dear You,
You hot tranny mess! Salope! I know you don't like me. Well guess what? I don't like you either. You with your nylon skin and blond hair, you think you are better than me? Barflicious! I know your type...you pretentious skanky whores. Don't take my niceness for granted. I AM NOT NICE, honestly. Furthermore, I'm not being rude, you are just insignificant.

3) Dear You x 2
I like you. I really like you. You seem like really nice guys but you have ISSUES.... big issues. The thing is, I don't think I have the energy to deal with your issues. Both of you need to take break, you both need to smile, laugh and realize that taking everything TOO serious is not the way to go. Life is too short. Relax, breath and live a bit a more. And one more thing, YOU need to let that BITCH go. And while you are it...tell the whore to get a life!

4) Dear you,
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
April 28, 2008
16:48
Being a Woman: Blessing or Curse...
» ‎ Read entry @ Confessions of a Moody Crab

Men who sinned in their previous lives are born as women in their next life. If their sins were grave, then they are born as women in a Muslim country. -My Russian Friend, Vicky.

Okay, I love being a woman but not all the time. Just sometimes esp. when I buy beautiful lingerie, try it on and look at myself in the mirror. The way the lace molds every curve just makes me happy. It’s the best feeling ever after tucking myself under my duvet with a good book and a bag of jelly belly.

But then, there are other times when I absolutely hate being a woman. Like that 'time of the month' and all the drama that comes with such visitation. Anyway yesterday, after my not-so-pleasant discussion with my mum due that cursed 'M' word, I became convinced that surely being a woman is a curse.

As a young girl when growing up, you are barraged with advice/warning/threats and all other things in between on how to be the perfect wife/mother. At a young age, you are forced to go help out in kitchen when your brothers are probably in the sitting room or some other place acting a fool. You talked into being virtuous and 'keeping' yourself for your husband, while the brothers (and most probably the future husband) are gallivanting around town and sowing their seed in between the legs of 'less virtuous' women.

When you grow up and eventually marry (thanks to insistent nagging from parents and overly concerned family members), the work continues. You clean, cooks and care. And woe betide you if you are married to some brute that expects you to be Martha Stewart/Gisele Bundchen/ Mary Poppins all at once without lending a finger to any of the chores at home. And don't even get me started on all the numerous social, political, economical and civil injustices that have been and continue to be doled out on the women folk presently and in millennia past. Surely, with the above in mind one can only conclude that being a woman is a curse, no? I don't know...just that right now, I'm finding it difficult trying to find/re-discover the joys of womenhood. To be honest with you, in my next life I would like and I pray I to be created into a man....amen.
April 27, 2008
16:14
Thank You...
» ‎ Read entry @ Confessions of a Moody Crab

The comments on my last post reminded me exactly why I started blogging. Unlike most people, I did not start blogging cos I thought my life was glamorous and exciting, hence, the need to tell the world. No... for me, I started blogging cos I wanted to learn the act of opening up. I felt a lot more comfortable talking to people I don't know and probably will never meet. I felt comfortable cos I knew that with these "stranger" there are no pre-conceptions. WE CAME AS WE WERE. That feeling of acceptance made me to start blogging and the comments on my previous post reminded me just that.

Sometimes, I wonder whether some people know the effect of their comments both positive and negative. I was on my blog through out last week, reading and re-reading the comments and sheer honest advice brought me to tears.

I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS. Finding a closure to the issues in my past, the abuse, the violence and finally the disappointment will not be easy. Learning to trust, love and commit to someone as wife/girlfriend/partner is going to be difficult. I'm scared and I guess I will be for some time to come, but I'm going to try my best not be the side effect of my parents unhappy, abusive marriage.

Even though I don't know you guys personally but your words of encouragement/advice REALLY, REALLY TOUCHED ME. THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND MAY YOU ALL BE BLESSED IS EVERY POSSIBLE WAY!

xoxo,
~MC~
April 18, 2008
15:26
As Told By....Part 1
» ‎ Read entry @ Confessions of a Moody Crab

I've always thought about my parents' marriage and then I ask myself "why and where did it go wrong"? Growing up, I've heard different stories/versions of the marriage, the divorce and the love/abuse in between. Who am I to believe? The venomous scheming aunts? My dad? My mum? Or the house helps that lived with us then?

Yesterday, I had a discussion with an aunt of mine and she said, "by April next year, Mr. should have proposed to you and we should have the wedding by, either August or December 2010." That statement made me scream, chuckle and scared all at once. You see, just for the sake of my sanity and paranoid inner self/child, I would like to know what happened to my parents' marriage. I know many people will tell me 'let sleeping dogs lie.' But from past experiences, I've realized that in my life, 'sleeping dogs don't lie.' In fact, they don't sleep...what they do is this: they lay low and wait for the right moment to rear their flurry, ugly heads. And seeing that I don't EVER want a divorce, I would like to deal with THIS issue NOW, then later when I'm trying to build and maintain a clean reputation for my impending job as Director General of an important IGO.

As told by whose version should I believe? My dad said mum cheated. My mum said she was physically abused (which is true cos I still remember some gruesome scenes) and that family members manipulated my dad. My aunts said mum was bored and lonely, hence the cheating. The helps said dad was abusive and mum was negatively influenced by friends.
I know for sure that BOTH mum and dad twisted the versions they told us. And my aunts are ass-kissing whores that would anything esp. now that we are adults in other to get into our good books. So I'm left with the story of the house-helps. But where are they? I can't seem to get hold of them and make them re-tell the stories so that my adult mind can piece two and two together.

I remember my dad telling me one day 'I never laid my hands on your mum so I don't know why she left me' and I remember thinking 'you never laid your hands on her? But I remember the screaming and the blood. Or am I imagining these scenes?' I also remember going to bed that night, crying and fighting with myself. I remember the arguments I was having with the person looking back at me through the mirror: Dad lied to me. No, dad can never lie to me. I'm sure I'm imagining all those scenes. Then I get flashbacks. I see my mum crying and begging my dad to stop beating her or she will die.

Not only was this an on-going battle within myself, but it was also a bone of contention between my siblings and I. Then, my siblings were more in favor of my dad and whenever I brought up the issue of mum, they would look at me and say: MC, why do you want to dig up such skeletons? Why don't you believe dad and let it be. And I would reply: Why should I believe dad? Don't you think we should hear mum's version and make up our minds? It was even more difficult for my baby sister cos mum left just 18 months after she was born. And then, she did not even know what mum looked like. So out of curiosity, she would ask me questions and my other siblings would try to stifle the discussion or would change the topic entirely. She was in a dilemma to either: (a) believe the big sister (me) who has been the only the 'mother/mother figure' she knows or (b) believe dad and other siblings.

It so funny how you hear a 'story' from once source and that same story changes when you hear it from another source. This particular story of my parents has changed-some infos removed, others added and some parts remain the same. I need to know what happened. I need to make informed decision(s) on so many things on the basis of their marriage. Why am I scared of commitment? Why am I not trusting or let people get close to me? Why am I scared of settling down in one city? Could this be my response/reaction to my parent's marriage or is it my wild, nomadic spirit rebelling against ANY form of 'settlement' (marriage included)? Je ne sais pas.

I need to know honestly. That part of my life is blank...I need to fill in the missing pieces but for the life of me, I don't know how to go about unearthing this fragile history of mine. Dad still gets angry when I bring up the issue of my mum. Same goes for my mum but unlike dad, mum would always reply 'when you grow up, you will find out the truth yourself.' What does that mean? That story/truth will reveal itself to me? Whenever I read psychoanalysis of how characters of parents and state of marriage conditions the outlook or character of a child, I always snigger. But alas, I'm beginning to think that, maybe, there might be an iota of truth in these analyses. I don't know. I'm just at the point in life where I dont know what do. Should I look back at my past, reconcile with it and move on? Or forget the past and forge a new life unrelated to it. I don't know...I'm at a crossroad...
10:25
Personal Hell...
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Josilyn called me last night and immediately, I knew something was not right. I sensed it in her voice. Before she could talk, she broke down. For twenty mins, I kept quiet and listened to my friend cry. I felt the pain. The crying sounded as if someone placed her on table, cut open her heart and ripped it out while she was still awake. I could hear her shaking. She could not talk. I waited and when I could not bear the suspense anymore, I asked: WHAT IS WRONG?

And she replied: DAVID LEFT ME.

David was her boyfriend, her third boyfriend. They've been together for 2 and half years. She loved him. No, SHE LIVED FOR HIM. David was her all. Her dreams, food and air was David. HE WAS HER ALL IN ALL AND HE LEFT HER.

He called her up last night and told her: Josh, I don't want to be with you anymore. I'm not a good person. You don't deserve me. Don't bother looking for me. Move on with your life. I love you and you are the best.

That was it. Just like that! No explanation. Rien.

Last night, for three hours I listened to my friend cry. No talking, just tears. Not the loud type of crying, no, those types are for physical pain. She was weeping, silently. The quietness of her crying made me realizes that sometimes, the pain can be SO OVERWHELMING that it stifles one’s voice. This pain took my friend's voice.

The few second she was able to pull herself to together, she said: 'MC, I'm in hell. I can feel my body on fire. I can feel the inside of me burning up. I'm in my own personal hell. It is even worse because no one can feel the pain except me. I can't live without him. It’s like someone took away my oxygen.' And I sat there, helpless and silently crying as well. I don't know what it feels to have one's heart shattered into a million pieces but I know what it feels like to be in a personal hell.
Watching my mum pack her bags, hugging us and driving off through the front gate was one experice I will never forget. It was my own personal hell. Our crying, begging and rolling on the floor was not enough to make her stay. The fact thay my sis was on IV and throwing up blood could not make her stay. Personal hell is that place or that thing/person you cannot live without. A situation where you are in so much pain that breathing becomes a chore. Every breath you take feels like fire. It is that point where death or the idea of dying feels like best option. At that point, you see the Angle of Death more like a companion, not the enemy. This type of pain is on the inside. It curls ups and envelops your whole being.

I know what it feel like to be in that place, the place where Josilyn is right now. Apart from my mum's departure, another my personal hell would definitely be losing my siblings or parents (as in death). I will die. I can't cope. I won't cope. Life will be meaningless. Another personal hell would be losing my freedom- the freedom to do what I want/like, when I want/like. My freedom is extremely important to me. Take that away from me and you've finished me, literally.

So remembering my mum's departure and imagining losing my parents, siblings or freedom, gave me the idea of the kind of pain Josilyn is going through now. Sigh. And the worst part is I don't know how to help her. How do you tell someone that death/suicide is not the option? How do you explain 'this too shall pass'? Last night I relaized that not being able to help my friend esp now that she is going through this type of pain is another personal hell for me.

What is your personal hell?
April 15, 2008
7:21
South of France: Sights..Part 1
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In my opinion, South of France is the best region in whole of France. I'm happy I chose to live here instead of *god forbid* Paris! I love this place. The thoughts of moving back to UK in Sept to start my Masters saddens me. I can definitely see myself retiring here and living happily. I love the weather, beaches, cuisine, shopping, mountains. e.t.c. This place is the only place in world where you can go skiing in the morning (thanks to the numerous snow capped mountains) and then relax by the beach in the afternoon. From my apartment, I can see the mountains and the snow! Yes, sun and snow in the same place. Isn't that magical? It is just beautiful....simply beautiful. I don't care what Parisians say but COTE D'AZUR IS SIMPLY THE BEST! I'm off to the beach...enjoy.

Pic 1: Cannes (view from the old town). Pic 2 & 3: Monte Carlo @ night. Pic 4: La Plage (Villeneuve-Loubet). Pic 5: Cap D' Antibes (vielle Antibes). Pic 6: Tourette-sur-Loup. Pic 7: Sunset in Antibes.
April 09, 2008
6:41
First Thoughts...
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Russian supermodel Sasha Pivovarova in the April Issue of French Vogue. When I saw these pictures, my first thought was this make me want to eat. But seriously size zero is NOT beautiful. Someone please give this girl double-whooper cheeseburger....
April 08, 2008
11:58
Where Do We Draw The Line...
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When people say to me, 'Well, you objectify women,' [I say] I'm an equal opportunity objectifier.
Designer, Tom Ford.
*************THIS POST CONTAINS IMAGES SOME MIGHT CONSIDER EXPLICIT. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. **************It seems like the thin like between 'sex sells' and full on pornography has somewhat blurred, and from time to time there seem to be occasional cross over. Without any doubt, fashion, music and sex are inextricably linked. Think pop music or hip-hop and images of skimpily clad singers and females gyrating sexually springs to mind.
I'm not against the occasional minor display of body parts. In fact, quite the contrary. I mean the sole reason I watched Mr and Mrs Smith was to see the much hyped sex scene between Bragelina. Oh how I was disappointed! I was expecting extra-hot 'carnal action', Angelina straddling Brad and lethal orgasmic explosion caused by the combination of such high-power sexiness. But what did I get? Fifteen minutes of some sort of fumbling in a dimly lit kitchen and then after sex cuddling. Where was the main act...the SEX?!?!? And don't even get me started on some of my fave movies. Many of them have a lot of sex scenes: Dangerous Liaison, the Secretary, Stealing beauty, Atonement (esp the scene where Knightly was pinned up against the wall. Oh how I would love to be pinned up a wall, fridge, car bonnet and the list goes on. But you get the picture, don't you?) to mention a few. But these movies were made for the consumption of a particular age group-18+.
However, when it comes to advertisement, especially public advertisement, we need to draw the line between 'sex sells' and full-on 'adult explicit materials'- which is the point of this post. If you are marketing goods for public consumption (and by public I mean adverts that would be pasted across numerous magazine pages and bill boards, and would be viewed by both young and old), then please tone down on the sex. I mean how can one explain the meaning of this or this and THIS! to little kids? Because unlike movies, it is a lot easier for kids to get hold of these fashion magazines. How do you reply to 'Mummy, what is the perfume doing in a vagina?'
I know Tom Ford is creative, artistic and I secretly want to make out with him, then have Mario Testino photograph every carnal acts we will be performing. But please enough of all these risqué photos. Remember that Gucci G-spot ad, where a young half-nude model shows not only things from the spring-summer collection but also a perfect bikini-design with a letter of Gucci logo? If not, click here to refresh your memory. Yep, that advert...our dearest Tom was the brain behind it. And Tom is not the only designer guilty of traumatizing our innocent(?) souls with explicit images. Remember D&G's “Stefano+Domenico’s Dolce Vita” ad? The one where both designers were nude in the photos? No? Click here and here to catch up. These and loads more others just shows that we are slowly but surely crossing over to that dark side (no pun intended).

The outrageous is a decent company to fashion. I understand. I also understand that with numerous talented and equally artistic designers out there, it is really difficult to prove one's worth. However, I don't think one necessarily needs to resort to porn (or excess frontal nudity as a friend diplomatically puts it) to prove that you are worthy of attention or money we, the consumers, are shelling out to purchase your goods. If you are good, your product(s) WOULD speak for you or am I being naive? Do they make sales only when a nipple is showing or when the female model is naked and wearing a look of intense orgasmic pleasure? I think not.

What does this mean for us back home? We all know that new 'designers' are springing up in Nigeria like new flowers in spring. So how can we differentiate the 'average, seen-the designs-in-Paris-fashion-week' from the 'truly artistic, creative ones'? Will they, like their Western counterparts, resort to the 'sex sell' propaganda in our relatively conservative Nigerian society? And how long do we have before this craze catches up with us back home because we all know how we like to copy-copy. Mind boggles...
April 04, 2008
18:04
This Year...
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I'm dedicating this year to ME.This year I'm practicing the act of self love. If you've been reading my blog, you will notice that last year was not particularly good for me in terms of personal growth and happiness. I was unhappy, bored and depressed. I whined, I complained. I cried. I read self-help books and I prayed. I sought answers in different places all to no avail. So this year I decided to take matters in own hand. Here I am, professing and practising self love.

This year...I'm going to love my flaws, spots and marks. I will laugh more and if crying feels good, I will cry more. I will do what makes me happy. I travel more, eat more, sleep and dream more. I will try things I've never done before. This year there will be no limits, no planning, no thinking. I will just act and think afterwards. I will expect nothing of people cos I've realized that they always tend to disappoint. I will love more and forgive more.There will be no labeling and no tagging. If I feel good about something, I will do it. I will take risks and I will have no regret. I will embrace every bump on the way as another lesson of love, of life.

I've learnt from past experiences that I gave too much of myself and received nothing in return. So this year will be all about me. I will be selfish cos I will focus on myself. I can only be truly happy if am happy on the inside. I will walk with my head high and be proud of that extra little lump cos it makes me beautiful. I've realized that confidence is the sexiest thing one can wear. So this year, I will be strutting my little 'confidence' number on this catwalk that is called life. I will go for dinners and be my own date. I will treat myself to little presents every once in a while- Cakes, lingerie, manicures, massages...just a little treat to reward myself for being ever so fabulous.

So here's to to a FANTASTIC, MARVELOUS, FABULOUS AND INTELLIGENT ME!

xoxo.

*Expect of more of 'ME' posts this year...lol*
PS: When I start to moan about certain issues, please remind me of this post. Being truly happy is a battle so I need all the can I get.

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